It had been a good week, followed by a good weekend. I was not oppressively exhausted. I was enjoying my time knitting. A few parts of me collaboratively engage in knitting and it’s a most excellent activity to pass the time and allow us to be doing something that feels good while being restful. I love the feel of the yarn, love to look at the colors. Rae loves to process the previous day, week, whatever while we knit. Amanda loves to create and feel productive. Prowler finds it relaxing, and Ray joins in with Rae in the processing. Of course, being such an addict, I knit at the expense of grooming and eating. But as Luke says, it’s better than sitting around perseverating on cutting my arm off or jumping off the bridge. So it had been a good week.
Monday came and school was tiresome and I had my weekly appointment with Craig. I’m afraid that the whole session could be boiled down into a few words: let’s work on co-consciousness, integration is the next step, and by the way – we should think of having a therapy vacation sometime. Trigger, trigger, TRIGGER. I translated that into: let’s work on the most terrifying issues you have, and then I’m going to leave you. My head was full of static Monday night, and by Tuesday morning I was able only to think of cutting my arm off. I was so pissed. “Therapy vacation” to me means “I’m leaving you and therefore you will have to deal with all those feelings of abandonment and loss and grief and you’ll be alone and too bad for you.” The backlash made my stomach sick. I questioned myself on why I turned to arm amputation immediately, and why that thought provided a shred of comfort to me. I don’t really understand… just know that it did. I wondered if somehow I thought that cutting off my arm would get me the attention I feel I need, would delay “therapy vacation.” Such a dumb answer to excessive emotional reactions to normal therapeutic processes gave me a reason to beat myself up. And the pit in my stomach grew with the anxiety and fear over the therapy session and the disgust over my reactions to the anxiety and fear grew and suicide seemed like the only way to make it stop.
Tuesday was all about chaos. I hated Craig and I hated myself. I hated the process. I hated the feelings. But then I heard a little voice, Craig’s voice, say “I won’t make you do anything. We’ll only take a vacation if you’re okay with it. It won’t be forever, it will be for weeks, or however long seems okay. If you need to talk to me, we can arrange that.” I didn’t want to believe the voice, I didn’t want to even hear it, because it represented a kind of anchor that I could hold onto while I “felt” the abandonment and fear and anger. But I heard it anyway. And I felt those feelings, all bloated and ominous and out of proportion and stupid. But only in little bits and punctuated with arm amputation fantasies and lost time.
Wednesday morning I forgot to take my medicine, abilify. All day I was a little tired, but amazingly connected to the present. That night I slept better than I have for years. I woke Thursday morning rested and happy. I never wake up feeling rested. I took the abilify that morning, and I haven’t had a day so bright since I first went on the abilify. I repeated the experiment Friday morning, not taking the med, and I found myself HUMMING at the end of the day. Tired but connected and peaceful and fucking HUMMING.
It scares me to be so emotionally all over the place. Did I have a good end to the week because I successfully dealt with something? Did I have a good end of the week because I gave my brain and body a break from over-medication? Did I actually DEAL with the therapy session and my feelings or did I dissociate from them?
Sarah's Take - Dissociative Identity Disorder Unplugged: A true and raw telling of the thoughts, musings, meanderings of a woman with a Dissociative Disorder, Sarah's Take takes readers on a little ride through what most people can't really imagine.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Dissociation as a Mirror
The chiropractor said something very affirming to me last week. I asked her if she treated many patients with dissociative disorders, or if treating me seemed weird. She looked at me for a moment and said, “It doesn’t seem weird to me at all. In a sense, all of humanity is dissociative. We see ourselves as separate people with separate lives, and even when we connect with someone else we still cling to our separateness. Really, though, there is only One, we are all really only One.” I was taken aback, and pleased, and enlightened. I believe that there really is only One as well, and that One includes people, animals, plants, the Earth, the Universe, and so on. I forget this, a lot, but I do believe it. The statement took all the freakiness I sometimes feel about my disorder out of the equation. My condition seemed suddenly to be a mirror of a bigger condition, and not some absurd and wacked condition way out there, but rather a byproduct of evil like the human condition of separateness from each other and the Earth is a byproduct of evil. (By the way, evil, I believe, is always a perversion of Creation. Evil is not creative or original. The whole Universe is only good creation, but evil can pervert that goodness and that’s all it is.)
So dissociation mirrors the human condition. In a way, I feel like that this gives me the opportunity to learn in a very personal way HOW to connect and how to APPRECIATE connection in a way other people may not be able to. It makes me think of how I became grateful for being an alcoholic. In working the 12-step program I learned so much about myself and was able to move beyond so much of my past that I actually appreciated the fact that the disease of alcoholism precipitated the changes. Other people, ‘normies’ as we AA members call them, sometimes have a harder time initiating change in their lives because there isn’t the loaded gun of alcoholism pointed at their heads demanding they do so or die. Disease can be motivating.
Dissociation, then, can be an opportunity in my life. Instead of focusing on it as a disabling mental illness, which I believe it is, I can focus on it as the precipitating factor in my life that leads me to learn to connect with myself which will open the door to learning how to connect with others and the Earth in a more intimate and personal way than I otherwise would.
Book information: http://inandoutoficeglass.weebly.com/
So dissociation mirrors the human condition. In a way, I feel like that this gives me the opportunity to learn in a very personal way HOW to connect and how to APPRECIATE connection in a way other people may not be able to. It makes me think of how I became grateful for being an alcoholic. In working the 12-step program I learned so much about myself and was able to move beyond so much of my past that I actually appreciated the fact that the disease of alcoholism precipitated the changes. Other people, ‘normies’ as we AA members call them, sometimes have a harder time initiating change in their lives because there isn’t the loaded gun of alcoholism pointed at their heads demanding they do so or die. Disease can be motivating.
Dissociation, then, can be an opportunity in my life. Instead of focusing on it as a disabling mental illness, which I believe it is, I can focus on it as the precipitating factor in my life that leads me to learn to connect with myself which will open the door to learning how to connect with others and the Earth in a more intimate and personal way than I otherwise would.
Book information: http://inandoutoficeglass.weebly.com/
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Dissociation, Flashbacks, Panic Attacks, and Anxiety Attacks: Differences Discussed
I have always called them anxiety attacks or panic attacks. But now I hear that clinically, these two events are different. Throw in the term “flashback” and I am genuinely confused. To add to the psychological soup, the DSM5 now claims that flashbacks are a dissociative symptom! I bandied these terms about in my head, thrown them out at doctors and close friends, written about them, but how do they apply to what I have experienced and so what?
A co-worker experienced chest pains and was having difficulty breathing at work and was rushed to the emergency room. Not a heart attack. Nothing wrong with her heart at all. But the stress of her 2 jobs, her advanced schooling, and life in general caused so much anxiety that in the middle of the day in the midst of her work she experienced a panic attack. She openly discussed it at lunch. Suddenly, everyone in the room was sharing their experiences – one had an anxiety attack while working up the courage to attend an extremely difficult meeting, one had thyroid issues and experienced panic attacks repeatedly until she got the physical problem under control, another vaguely described generalized anxiety at a certain point in her life. I said nothing, although the pink elephant in the room was trumpeting his horn, as I am the one everyone knows has a “disability related to anxiety.” What could I say? “Sometimes when Luke and I argue I switch identities and start crying uncontrollably, bang my head against the wall, hit myself, feel like I’m being choked, hallucinate, and wet myself.” I wasn’t about to share that. But it did get me thinking about what I was experiencing compared to the general public.
The co-worker who went to the emergency room was at first experiencing an anxiety attack as she was extremely worried about present circumstances that were stressing her. That’s the hallmark of an anxiety attack – the anxiety is related to life circumstances. Her anxiety turned into a panic attack, which can happen “out of the blue.” It became a panic attack as she began to experience physical symptoms and was focused only on those physical symptoms (as well as mental symptoms!).
The co-worker who was worked up about the meeting she was about to attend was experiencing an anxiety attack as her focus was on a present-time event. She was experiencing physical symptoms of a tightened chest, difficulty breathing, but it was all related to stress about this meeting.
So what about dissociative episodes and flashbacks? How are they related?
Let’s say Luke and I had a little argument about some trivial matter. If I am in an exhausted state from working, and unable to combat the emotional backlash of the “others” inside me, and those “others” begin to tell me all the messages that I grew up believing like “I am stupid, I am over emotional, I am unloved, no one is listening to me, I am in danger, I will not survive these next few moments” then I will begin to experience an anxiety attack. My heart will race, my throat closes up, my thought processes become jumbled and I have difficulty making sense of the world around me. Fear sets in, and in no time the anxiety turns to a panic attack as I fail to control my breathing and “get lost” in the physical sensations happening in my body. Sometime in this mix I will usually go to my bedroom and seek solace under the blankets as well as distance between myself and Luke- who I love and trust – but who now represents extreme danger.
Sometimes I am able, if left alone, to re-connect with reality and eventually will fall asleep after much crying. Sometimes I has more to go through. If Luke tries to console me, touch me, or even be in my presence the feeling escalate into terror and panic. I will begin to fight myself – banging my head against the wall, hitting myself, screaming and writhing like I’m being attacked and tortured. Indeed, that’s how I feel, like I’m being tortured. It’s at this point that I can really lose contact with the present and all my focus is pinpointed on the terror and the incredible need to escape the terror and the life-sucking realization that I cannot escape the terror. At times, I wet myself, after which I seem to “switch” and surrender to my surroundings, allowing Luke to help me change clothes and crawl into bed. A sad, deeply surrendering, nothingness ensues. I don’t know for sure what happens after this. At times, I switch and make feeble suicidal gestures – grabbing all the sleeping pills, cutting my arm. This results in either a call to the therapist or a 911 call, either of which will pull me into the present enough to manage my behavior and allow Spider-Man (one of the “others”) to run damage control. At times I enter a horrible dual state during which time I am immobilized and experience a few moments of numb peace followed by a few moments of uncontrollable crying, each state alternating with each other until I am so exhausted I fall asleep or enter a dissociative state that is misty primordial fog.
I think these last examples are flashbacks. They are extreme emotional states unrelated to the present circumstances, though usually triggered by an event. It’s as though I am reacting to a past event(s) even though I am having no thought memory of that event, just emotional and physical memories.
If these are flashbacks, then I can see how flashbacks are a dissociative symptom. I seem to have these emotional flashbacks coupled with dissociative episodes. So what is dissociation? I think I have “levels” of dissociation. The misty primordial fog is a dissociative state, switching to another personality is a dissociative state, entering the flashback phase is a dissociative state, and even experiencing the panic seems dissociative to me. Dissociative can denote a split from reality, a split from self, a split from emotion….the fog is a split from emotion, the personality switch is a split from self, and the flashback or panic is a split from reality.
So what? So…..I have developed a number of coping mechanisms for this psychological soup of symptoms. I’d like to be able to now organize those coping mechanisms into which ones help in all circumstances and which ones help in only one circumstance. Additionally, I’d like to be able identify early on which state I’m entering, or in, so that I can use the appropriate tool. I don’t know how possible that is. I’d also like to educate Luke so that he can better determine how best to react and help.
Finally, I’d like for all my parts to meet at the Waterfall, discuss these states, and come to a place of understanding and compassion for us as a system, so that when we are in any of these states we can cease the negative judgment and harsh attitude toward whoever is experiencing the state. That, I believe, would be a big step toward healing.
Book information: http://inandoutoficeglass.weebly.com/index.html
A co-worker experienced chest pains and was having difficulty breathing at work and was rushed to the emergency room. Not a heart attack. Nothing wrong with her heart at all. But the stress of her 2 jobs, her advanced schooling, and life in general caused so much anxiety that in the middle of the day in the midst of her work she experienced a panic attack. She openly discussed it at lunch. Suddenly, everyone in the room was sharing their experiences – one had an anxiety attack while working up the courage to attend an extremely difficult meeting, one had thyroid issues and experienced panic attacks repeatedly until she got the physical problem under control, another vaguely described generalized anxiety at a certain point in her life. I said nothing, although the pink elephant in the room was trumpeting his horn, as I am the one everyone knows has a “disability related to anxiety.” What could I say? “Sometimes when Luke and I argue I switch identities and start crying uncontrollably, bang my head against the wall, hit myself, feel like I’m being choked, hallucinate, and wet myself.” I wasn’t about to share that. But it did get me thinking about what I was experiencing compared to the general public.
The co-worker who went to the emergency room was at first experiencing an anxiety attack as she was extremely worried about present circumstances that were stressing her. That’s the hallmark of an anxiety attack – the anxiety is related to life circumstances. Her anxiety turned into a panic attack, which can happen “out of the blue.” It became a panic attack as she began to experience physical symptoms and was focused only on those physical symptoms (as well as mental symptoms!).
The co-worker who was worked up about the meeting she was about to attend was experiencing an anxiety attack as her focus was on a present-time event. She was experiencing physical symptoms of a tightened chest, difficulty breathing, but it was all related to stress about this meeting.
So what about dissociative episodes and flashbacks? How are they related?
Let’s say Luke and I had a little argument about some trivial matter. If I am in an exhausted state from working, and unable to combat the emotional backlash of the “others” inside me, and those “others” begin to tell me all the messages that I grew up believing like “I am stupid, I am over emotional, I am unloved, no one is listening to me, I am in danger, I will not survive these next few moments” then I will begin to experience an anxiety attack. My heart will race, my throat closes up, my thought processes become jumbled and I have difficulty making sense of the world around me. Fear sets in, and in no time the anxiety turns to a panic attack as I fail to control my breathing and “get lost” in the physical sensations happening in my body. Sometime in this mix I will usually go to my bedroom and seek solace under the blankets as well as distance between myself and Luke- who I love and trust – but who now represents extreme danger.
Sometimes I am able, if left alone, to re-connect with reality and eventually will fall asleep after much crying. Sometimes I has more to go through. If Luke tries to console me, touch me, or even be in my presence the feeling escalate into terror and panic. I will begin to fight myself – banging my head against the wall, hitting myself, screaming and writhing like I’m being attacked and tortured. Indeed, that’s how I feel, like I’m being tortured. It’s at this point that I can really lose contact with the present and all my focus is pinpointed on the terror and the incredible need to escape the terror and the life-sucking realization that I cannot escape the terror. At times, I wet myself, after which I seem to “switch” and surrender to my surroundings, allowing Luke to help me change clothes and crawl into bed. A sad, deeply surrendering, nothingness ensues. I don’t know for sure what happens after this. At times, I switch and make feeble suicidal gestures – grabbing all the sleeping pills, cutting my arm. This results in either a call to the therapist or a 911 call, either of which will pull me into the present enough to manage my behavior and allow Spider-Man (one of the “others”) to run damage control. At times I enter a horrible dual state during which time I am immobilized and experience a few moments of numb peace followed by a few moments of uncontrollable crying, each state alternating with each other until I am so exhausted I fall asleep or enter a dissociative state that is misty primordial fog.
I think these last examples are flashbacks. They are extreme emotional states unrelated to the present circumstances, though usually triggered by an event. It’s as though I am reacting to a past event(s) even though I am having no thought memory of that event, just emotional and physical memories.
If these are flashbacks, then I can see how flashbacks are a dissociative symptom. I seem to have these emotional flashbacks coupled with dissociative episodes. So what is dissociation? I think I have “levels” of dissociation. The misty primordial fog is a dissociative state, switching to another personality is a dissociative state, entering the flashback phase is a dissociative state, and even experiencing the panic seems dissociative to me. Dissociative can denote a split from reality, a split from self, a split from emotion….the fog is a split from emotion, the personality switch is a split from self, and the flashback or panic is a split from reality.
So what? So…..I have developed a number of coping mechanisms for this psychological soup of symptoms. I’d like to be able to now organize those coping mechanisms into which ones help in all circumstances and which ones help in only one circumstance. Additionally, I’d like to be able identify early on which state I’m entering, or in, so that I can use the appropriate tool. I don’t know how possible that is. I’d also like to educate Luke so that he can better determine how best to react and help.
Finally, I’d like for all my parts to meet at the Waterfall, discuss these states, and come to a place of understanding and compassion for us as a system, so that when we are in any of these states we can cease the negative judgment and harsh attitude toward whoever is experiencing the state. That, I believe, would be a big step toward healing.
Book information: http://inandoutoficeglass.weebly.com/index.html
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