God Bless my psychologist for telling me, over and over, that he believed there was a physical reason for my tiredness and to go to a doctor relentlessly, 4 times a year. My Tiredness, my Nemesis, the Enemy....I have discovered after years of trying to cope with mental illness that when I am not as tired I have fewer/less severe symptoms. So, I sleep a lot. My entire life is structured so that my sleep is protected. It is the single most important factor in my health, possibly second to my sobriety but not necessarily. Now I have the results of a sleep study that tell me the exact NAME of my Tiredness - Narcolepsy!
Narcolepsy. Possibly caused by genetics and trauma or virus or bad luck. Narcolepsy. Causes excessive tiredness, hallucinations, and cataplexy (loss of muscle control - especially during intense emotion.) Narcolepsy. It is the reason I wake up 59.6 times per hour all night long. Narcolepsy. I know Its name and WebMd has given me all sorts of information so I should be able to overcome It, right? Yet here I sit, crying, because it's only 5:38 P.M. and I'm exhausted and I didn't even work today and tomorrow my family is coming over so I need to clean the house and I can't, I can't, I can't because I'm too tired. Tiredness, I know your fucking name and it is Narcolepsy and Fuck You.
Why is it okay for me to be angry I have narcolepsy, okay for me to share with people that I have narcolepsy, but not okay for me to share that I have DID? Why can I say to a close co-worker that I have hallucinations due to narcolepsy, but no way in hell should I ever disclose that I have hallucinations due to PTSD? Can I tell people now that if I am overwhelmed with emotion I piss myself, because one symptom of narcolepsy is cataplexy (loss of muscle control)....or it could be an emotional flashback due to childhood sexual abuse. I'm angry at No-One because I have narcolepsy, and angry at myself that I have mental illness.
But now that I know I have Narcolepsy, I can surely use the secrets revealed to me through the internet to combat and overcome. Only the treatment is what I already have - a prescription for stimulants. And at 5:38 P.M. I shouldn't take more stimulants because I need to go to bed at a decent hour and get my sleep (interrupted every fucking minute by Narcolepsy). So nothing has changed and all the Knowing in the world doesn't help me get out of my chair and clean the bathroom for guests. No, now that I know Its Name, I CAN'T fucking overcome It. It still makes me tired.
Sarah's Take - Dissociative Identity Disorder Unplugged: A true and raw telling of the thoughts, musings, meanderings of a woman with a Dissociative Disorder, Sarah's Take takes readers on a little ride through what most people can't really imagine.
Friday, April 19, 2013
Friday, April 12, 2013
PTSD and DID and the internal Game of Thrones
Political intrigue as each tries to control the realm. Sexual intrigue as each use their bodies to create new alliances or express lusty desires. Twisted actions follow twisted thoughts follow twisted childhoods. Flashes of gore capture attention and punctuate the pure rawness of the landscape. If you watch Game of Thrones, you know of what I speak. If you have DID, you probably do too. If you have PTSD, it's all too familiar - no matter the trauma.
Trauma. My mind is broken by trauma. The Landscape of my memories is trapped in a variety of seasons with little to no security and absolutely no promise of a stable future. Aren't memories the stuff that makes a person? What is the relationship between memory and personality? If memory is stored with fluctuating borders, than it only makes sense that personality will fluctuate as well. Like the royalty in Game of Thrones, the people in my system fight for control of my mind, sharing memories at times and then walling them off. My personality shifts as their control shifts.
Right now, I have a dark prince rising to control my entire mind. He has blood red eyes and will sacrifice anyone to reach his goal. He has the anger and the drive of someone who has been traumatized, without the memory of the trauma. He is PTSD, he recognizes the other identities without compassion for them, and his game is to claim the Throne. THE Throne - the center of control, the memories, the limbic system, nervous system, rational thought. I don't know what he thinks will happen to the emotion. He doesn't want the emotion. Perhaps he seeks to destroy the emotion so that it is no longer a stumbling block to preserving the realm.
War is beginning.
Trauma. My mind is broken by trauma. The Landscape of my memories is trapped in a variety of seasons with little to no security and absolutely no promise of a stable future. Aren't memories the stuff that makes a person? What is the relationship between memory and personality? If memory is stored with fluctuating borders, than it only makes sense that personality will fluctuate as well. Like the royalty in Game of Thrones, the people in my system fight for control of my mind, sharing memories at times and then walling them off. My personality shifts as their control shifts.
Right now, I have a dark prince rising to control my entire mind. He has blood red eyes and will sacrifice anyone to reach his goal. He has the anger and the drive of someone who has been traumatized, without the memory of the trauma. He is PTSD, he recognizes the other identities without compassion for them, and his game is to claim the Throne. THE Throne - the center of control, the memories, the limbic system, nervous system, rational thought. I don't know what he thinks will happen to the emotion. He doesn't want the emotion. Perhaps he seeks to destroy the emotion so that it is no longer a stumbling block to preserving the realm.
War is beginning.
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