Engaging in a
stirring controversial argument on a forum is scary. I was doing that, and
dropped out, as my feelings were getting hurt. Instead I’ll hide behind a fake
fucking name on a blog where no one knows me except by my dirtiest little
secrets. But I won’t shut up, because I have something to say.
Here’s the
controversial questions: Is there a difference between physical and mental
illness? Does the difference or lack of matter?
I struggled with DID
and depression and PTSD to the point of hospitalization. These are mental
illnesses. I was trained to believe that since mental illness was “in my head”
I could somehow get them out of my head. My theory was that if I could
understand WHY I was depressed,
multiple, and freaked out then I could deal with the emotions related to that
WHY and “let go” and get better. In the psych ward it was explained to me in a
way I could finally understand that the reason I was multiple, sad, and had emotional
reactions proportionately out of whack was because as a two year old I was
sexually traumatized over a 6 week time period during which time my brain became
hard-wired to do this shit. I’m not sure I have all the medical facts straight,
but it has something to do with my hypothalamus getting too much adrenaline at
a crucial developmental phase in its actual physical development and in a sense
became physically brain damaged. Therefore, when I am undergoing periods of ‘normal’
stress, my brain reacts ‘abnormally’ and I freak out. One psychiatrist described
it as my ‘hypothalamus throwing a big party.’ That’s a physical thing, folks.
And it will never go away. The brain damage will never repair. Finally I WAS
able to ‘let go’ of my old ideas of how to heal and I began to put into
practice the cognitive behavioral therapy I was learning about – how to
recognize when my body was over stimulated, how to breathe so that I could calm
my physical self down so that my emotional self would follow, how to wait out a
panic without contributing to it, how to change my life so that my stress
levels could remain in a safe zone, and on and on. Where’s the line between
physical illness and mental illness???? It seems pretty blurry to me.
Especially considering I can take medicines that also help with these mental
problems. If medicines help, which seems like a physical thing, how can the issues
be simply mental? Is it dumb to even try to separate the two?
A dear friend once
said that a physical illness comes from a physical cause and a mental illness
comes from an emotional cause, hence my emotions caused my trauma and therefore
I have a mental illness. I pointed out that schizophrenia has a physical
origin, but is considered a mental illness. She said she considers
schizophrenia a physical illness….so……
There’s these
hypothetical twins. Genetically identical. Separated at birth. One twin grows
up in a great home and starts smoking at 15 and gets cancer at 40. Physical
illness, right? The other twin gets molested a few times by a neighbor, but
otherwise grows up in a great home. His PTSD causes lots of anxiety, stress,
and physical changes in his body and he has a compromised immune system because
of it. All those factors cause this twin to also get cancer. But the twins live
in a society that treats illnesses that are mental differently than they treat
illnesses that are physical. And the society has determined that cancer from
smoking is a physical illness and cancer from stress is a mental illness. The
twin with the physical illness goes to one hospital where people treat him
nicely, compassionately, and he gets cards from his co-workers that say “get
well soon!” and “we miss you!” That twin gets a benefit that raises all sorts
of money for his treatment because there is an outpouring of community support.
Everyone on his street wears cancer awareness ribbons for a month while he
heals. His strength and courage is noted in a touching news story. His wife
talks about how hard it is and everyone listens and helps her out with daily
living. People show they care.
But the other twin,
the one with cancer because of mental stress, well, he doesn’t tell anyone what
is wrong because he is afraid he might lose his job. Most people kind of know
what’s wrong, but no one says anything openly. When he goes to the hospital for
treatment even the staff, jaded and overworked, treat him as if he is to blame
for his problems. No one except his mom visits him and he gets not one single
get well card. His illness is pretty hush-hush, because mental illness has a
stigma. People all SAY that it wasn’t his fault. People all SAY there is no
stigma, but the fact remains that he didn’t get any get well cards and NO ONE
wants to talk about his cancer. His isolation and lack of support drive him to
a deep depression. His wife, working hard to be his sole support and take care
of the house and do all the chores gets teased because her husband doesn’t
contribute. She carries the burden silently, because there is no other option.
No one shows they care openly, they only look upon her with pity once in awhile
and in quiet voices occasionally ask how she’s doing, but it’s pretty obvious
they don’t really want to know. Her husband’s guilt over what his sickness is
doing to her does not help the cancer treatment. Which twin is more likely to
heal? Or doesn’t that matter to you?
This hypothetical
story is not over dramatized for effect. In fact, I toned it down because
unless you have been to a psych ward, unless you have suffered a lifetime of
mental illness, you wouldn’t believe how shitty the reality of social stigma
is.
I have narcolepsy,
too. That’s a neurological disorder with a physical cause. It’s a physical
illness. Do you know that because of narcolepsy, I don’t get deep sleep? I am
chronically sleep deprived. It’s like how you might feel after staying awake
for 2 nights in a row, only I feel that
way every day. I had psychologists tell me my tiredness was due to emotional
factors. But I had one doctor who insisted I seek a physical cause, and I did.
I currently take a medicine that knocks me the fuck out at night and I get deep
sleep. My mental illnesses have subsided tremendously. Deep sleep has given me
healing like no cognitive behavioral therapy could ever give me. My emotional
symptoms have shrunk down to so minimal, I don’t think I’d qualify as mentally
ill anymore. Treating a bona fide physical illness has made my mental illness
completely manageable. Where’s the line between physical illness and mental
illness in that scenario???? Does it matter? Maybe not to you, but it does to
me. Because should I stop getting my medicine covered by insurance or should it
stop working, I might go bat shit crazy again. Then, like the poor cancer twin
who had to go to the mental illness hospital because his cancer was caused by
emotional trauma, I will have to seek medical help from the mental health
professionals that treat me differently than the physical health professionals.
And they do. Believe me, they do. And so does society. And friends. And family.
They all do. Because they maybe don’t get that the stigma really exists and
really does matter. And it wouldn’t exist if people would realize that the line
between physical and mental illness is non-existent. There’s no line, folks. There’s
a really blurry gray zone if anything. As science progresses, that gray zone
will probably disappear. When will the stigma?
So stop saying it
doesn’t matter if it’s a physical illness or a mental illness. You’re
perpetuating the myth that there are two separate and distinct kinds of
illnesses, and as long as there is a distinction there will be stigma. And I
fucking HATE going to the psych ward and not getting any get well cards. It
fucking hurts.
