Forever Finality - Couldn't It Just Be For Awhile?

I'll start out by saying I'm basically safe. My husband is aware of all this, as is my therapist. I am in contact with both on a regular basis. I feel a little guilty dumping this on any readers who will be tweaked out by it - like I'm a drama queen stirring up shit - but then again I'm not twisting anyone's arm to read this. I'll be honest, I'm an exhibitionist and I want to expose myself, and you get to be the voyeur.

My boundaries within have crumbled and the shame I try to hold in seeps out into every bone, muscle, tendon, nerve, and thought that is me. I am shame. I am deep, ugly, hateful, depressed shame that comes from before I was old enough to know what shame was. I feel like I was born evil and although my adult brain can comprehend the flawed reasoning, I still feel the shame. I worked it all out with my therapist last night - how as a child it's not ME who did anything abnormally wrong, the shame actually comes from the messages I received as a child from THEM and those ugly messages became internalized and here I am, 40 some years old, and shaming myself. Shame on me. Shame on me. Shame on me.

I have no place to go, now, to escape. I am steeped in shame. As usual, I turn to the Final Solution that comforts me, the ultimate escape from which there is no return. They have taken away the guns and locked them up, and I'm beyond the passive suicidal gestures of popping pills or slashing wrists. I want to do the real thing with no chance of survival. Guns, I know, are the best, but what if there are no guns? I've thought about this conundrum a lot.

I figured it out. It's about -15 F here, fucking cold, and there's a huge lake in my hometown that is not frozen. If I jumped off the bridge into the freezing water I can't imagine any rescuers could reach me before hypothermia sets in and my body quits responding to my brain's messages to swim and I sink. My guess is that it would take about 5 minutes.

I still have a hard time justifying the Final Solution. On the one hand, it represents a final peace and resting for me. But does that sweet ending justify the sadness on the other hand? I have learned that people love me; my husband, my children, my friends....As much as I'd like to think they would quickly and easily adjust and move on, I know the truth is that there would be some grief. My sweet ending would result in their grief. But there grief would not be forever, so what's the proper balance? Is my forever ending worth their temporary grief?

I've been here before. I've traveled this road. I know it's twists and turns. Somewhere in my head I hear a voice telling me that my logic is not sound. Another voice tells me that this in not a matter of logic, but rather a matter of the heart. Yet another voice tells me that the I'm not looking for a Forever Finality, I'm looking for some rest for awhile. But the loudest voice right now says I should jump.