I need help.

I started crying in the car this morning on the way t work. I was imagining a conversation I might have with my boss, a conversation about how I was planning on capitalizing on my skill set and minimizing the weak parts.It was a conversation about how I, as a great teacher, could continue to be a great teacher in the face of debilitating mental illness. I could use the energy of the interns, the newness of the mobile computer labs, the excitement of the kids, and my creative mind to restructure my day. I have interesting classes, during which students think, develop new beliefs, and grow in understanding of the past and the present and their place in the moment. I'm a good teacher. I became a teacher because school was so safe with its routine. I was liked and respected as someone who was smart. Sometimes I didn't like the teachers, but mostly I did.
They helped me interact normally, understand what normal adult/child relationships were, and said nice things about me.

Learning was fun. I loved it. But when school got in the way of drinking and getting high, sometimes I didn't go. I also got angry. So I determined I would become a teacher and my time with students would be my contribution to young people trapped everywhere but in school. Not to many suicides happen in school. School tends to be safe. So I became a damn fine teacher.

If there was a flat-earther talking to me and he said "does the earth have an edge or does it go on and on forever?" You would say, it has neither an edge nor does it go on and on forever. The flat-earther would not be able to comprehend what he earth was....if it didn't have an edge and it didn't go on forever.
But you could help him understand over time.

Sitting in therapy, we discussed the plan for the next month or so, We're going to tackle some issues. I may or may not be stable enough to continue a life. The gist of what my therapist wants is for the deep shame and destructive forces to step back. I got a little angry and said "Don't you think I would change that if I could?"
and the therapist said "you can't change it." And I angrily asked "So if it can't be done what's the fucking point?" The therapist said "I'll help you."

So I'm a flat-earther and if the earth doesn't have an edge and if it doesn't go on forever.....what?

My mom is getting surgery and that has risks. Someday she'll die and all the shit that shames and destroys me will come to the funeral. It will pour out in rivers of snot and tears. I don't know if I will be able to contain the destruction at that time. If mother dies I know if I can continue to be respectful and kind and genuine with students anymore - My life's goal is to provide a safe place for kids in danger, and a little tension relief too. If she dies I may fall apart and the overwhelming power she has on my soul will not be buried with her, it will be the cloud that has encompassed me.