Today: Lights

We strung lights up in our "park." We turned on the Christmas tree lights. We lit up the flashing Santa. We turned on the lights that lead through the woods to the sauna. I lit candles. As I stared at the candles, I felt happy and satisfied, peaceful, content. I thought the candles were quite beautiful and I was thankful for my home and for such a lovely day. I wondered why.

I took a rather large dose of my medicine earlier. Not more than prescribed, I just missed one dose during the day so I took it along with the other dose all at once. I wonder if that made me feel so good. Anti-psychotic medication perhaps brings me closer to God.

I had an emotional melt-down last night. It was unusual. Luke and I were lying in bed watching tv. In a matter of minutes the sounds of the tv became excruciatingly loud, the smell of my husband became overwhelmingly musky, the light in the room was ice cold blue and pierced my skull. I rolled over, panting, not sure what was happening and felt the one familiar thing - paralysis. I put my hands over my ears and closed my eyes tightly. I buried my nose in my pillow. I found my voice at last and screamed and screamed and screamed. My husband reached out to touch me and I screamed "Don't touch me!" in a crazed kind of voice. I couldn't bear touch - not with the light and the smell and the sounds.

I don't know how long I screamed. Luke said it wasn't long. Did I enjoy the lights so much today because I screamed through them last night?