"Oh god!" It's the classic outcry of orgasm....and that's not a fluke. Sex is spiritual. Rape kills a part of your soul.
I can see the rapist's face when I was a teenager and I can feel him inside me and I can smell his dirty couch. How do I retain any sense of faith in the face of rape?
My mind wanders backwards in time to that place that is shadow and perception. I'm too young, maybe 3, to make much sense of anything. As I write this I become aroused and sick to my stomach at the same time. I don't know what the face of this rapist looks like. I have seen a picture of him, with me on his lap, but his face is blank. Yet I survived so I must have had some kind of little girl faith. Why would I not curl up and die? Why would I create these selves to protect me if I didn't have some kind of fundamental belief in things I could not at the time see (like 'hope' and 'goodness' and 'safety')? What was I saving myself for if not to redeem some small piece of my soul?
Maybe I have faith because I cannot see his face.
Sarah's Take - Dissociative Identity Disorder Unplugged: A true and raw telling of the thoughts, musings, meanderings of a woman with a Dissociative Disorder, Sarah's Take takes readers on a little ride through what most people can't really imagine.
Man That is Raw, and yet people need to see it. Rape isn't just 5 minutes of our time. I swear that for my rapist that's all he thought it was. The damage is huge and takes years to repair.
ReplyDeleteIt is common not to take in some information like the face of your attacker and yet for other info like smells to leave a more lasting impression. For me it's the smell of burning rubber.
It is also true that rape destroys part of your soul. It is my belief that when we leave this life we become all knowing. That this is the true heaven or hell we earn here.
They will have to live an eternity knowing what the effects of what they did were. My ability to heal comes from a place of forgiveness for what they have done.
thank you for your comment, singletonliving. You are so right that it isn't just five minutes of our time. Have you forgiven your rapist? Have you forgiven yourself? I can't seem to even understand what forgiveness means, let alone actually do it.
ReplyDeleteSarah I can't imagine your pain. I was physically abused and along with my brother we both developed PTSD. I then was raped by a man when travelling overseas. Before this time I still felt God's presence with me. Afterwards I couldn't understand why God let it happened. I prayed prayed during the rape but it didn't stop the nightmare happening. I still blame myself and the rapist a lot. Forgiveness is so hard! I still go to church. I still believe I am saved. I still wish I were dead but God keeps hold of me. I hope you are okay Sarah. You sound strong to keep going with an absolutely horrible trauma.
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