So I told her what I thought.
I started by telling her a phrase I learned from an Anishinaabe woman who was trying to help me be a better teacher - 'historical trauma.' She explained that the Anishanaabeg and other First Nations had been through a historical trauma, which hasn't yet healed. I thought of Black Americans, who also have experienced historical trauma and to this day face institutional racism. We haven't healed as a nation. I thought of my own trauma.
I have, in the past, hit Luke. There have been times we fought, perhaps he pushed my buttons, and Prowler raged. Perhaps Luke came into my room without permission, perhaps he banged his fist on the table, perhaps he walked out of the house in anger - all things that will terrify me if I am emotionally vulnerable or tired or worse - both. I am flooded with shame about these incidences - I believe violence is abuse and I have abused him. I have wondered if ever he thought of calling the police. I would be arrested, charged with domestic abuse. It would be justified. Part of why I work so hard to get better - to heal - to learn to cope with rage and pain and terror - is so that I don't hurt him. I have learned that part of this healing involves accepting that I have raged, why I rage. Part of this healing has been Luke understanding dissociation, understanding why I rage in dissociation, what my buttons are, and how to support me when I need him. He has swallowed his anger many times, has walked away from my verbal abuse instead of getting sucked in, has accepted and loved and listened so that I no longer hit. I have learned other coping skills, I have felt the pain of my trauma in bits and pieces as I am able, My parts and even Prowler have recognized, even in the midst of rageful feelings, that Luke is not a threat despite the fact I feel deeply threatened. I could not have healed without him. I also don't shame myself as much for the rage. I understand it exists for a reason. My feelings are valid. It is only counter-productive to desconstruct these rageful events detail by detail to determine if the intense rage is justified or if Luke's anger is justified or 'who is at fault.' Now I understand that my rage is justified, even if to the outside world it might seem ridiculous for a married woman to rage at her husband for entering her room without permission. You see, I'm not really raging at Luke, I'm raging at the violation of our mutually agreed upon boundary - the rageful feelings an echo of the past violations to my body imposed by evil men. Trauma.
Back to Ferguson. Was Michael Brown a criminal? Was Officer Wilson a racist? Was Officer Wilson justified in shooting Brown? This matters to those who love these men in a very personal way. I extend my condolences to the family of Michael Brown. As a white lady in a northern town, what also matters to me is the validity of the rage. I think it's possible that justice was served in this incident - perhaps Wilson was threatened and justified in shooting and the Grand Jury decided wisely. I also believe it's possible Wilson is guilty as hell of treating Michael Brown differently as a black youth, that justice wasn't served. I know for sure the rage of the Black American community is justified. I think, as a white lady, they rage because of the historical trauma that has been perpetuated upon their community starting with slavery and continuing with covert and overt racism right into today where in America there exists, without a doubt, institutionalized racism and white people, whether they will acknowledge it or not, have white privilege and are to varying degrees racist.
I do not know for certain whether or not the Black American experience of rage is anything like the rage I feel. I don't know if I can accurately draw parallels between my personal trauma and the historical trauma of Black Americans. I am guessing. As a white lady, I'll not get caught up in trying to determine justice in this particular incident. I will, however, NOT judge and shame the protestors or the violence. What use in healing is that? I know that if Luke pointed out my verbal or physical abuse as evidence that I was somehow attempting to justify an inner criminal and if he didn't move on from my rages and if he didn't listen to me when I explained to him how he could possibly change his behavior to be more supportive and NOT push my buttons then I'd never have healed as much as I have. I learned to trust him, to some extent, and so now he has more leeway but there are certain things I need in order to trust him and some things I need in order to heal....Because he cares he does these things or avoids doing things whether they are 'fair' or not. I know he doesn't really understand some of it, and who can blame him? He's male and he's never experienced sexual trauma. And he's not me. So he cares and does what he can to be supportive and I do what I can to cope and heal. We have come a long. So that's what this white lady is going to try to do for her black friends, black students, and Black Americans. I will listen, I will understand what I can. I will not get in the way of protests even if they turn violent (though I don't condone violence- but I understand violence- I have sadly learned that violence serves a purpose- I have learned that there are other ways to cope- I have learned that shaming myself serves no purpose and hinders the healing). I will examine my own behaviors, my thoughts, my racism, my white privilege and my society so that I can change what I can change as I can change it.
Should the people of Ferguson burn down a store in protest? I suppose not, not any more than I should rage at my husband. Yet what purpose does my condemnation of their actions or condemnation of my own rage serve? Should violent protestors be arrested? Perhaps, as I should have been. (side note- I was once arrested for kicking an officer. He was in my home, trying to stop me from killing myself, and once I was handcuffed and the loaded gun taken from me I drop kicked him. I was in a rage, he was a threat. I was about to be sentenced, and an angel in the courtroom asked for a minute to interview me, I suppose because the facts of the case didn't make sense. Teacher? Suicidal? Assaulting an officer? Huh? I told her about my dissociation, my sexual trauma, my rage, the fact that the officer was trying to restrain me and I fought back ..... my sentence was stayed. The court had mercy. Was that justice?) So yeah, let our system do what it can to keep the peace. But it is high time the system recognize the institutionalized racism, the historical trauma, the validity of the rage. It is high time angels stop and listen. The burning of Ferguson is a message that needs to be heard, and though my white ears are open my white brain has trouble comprehending. I try to make up for that with a red heart - hoping to heal - because our hearts beat with Life and Life is universal and the trauma that broke my heart is a trauma upon my marriage and the trauma that breaks the heart of Black America is America's trauma and we all bleed red....whether we fully understand the wound or not.
So those are my thoughts on Ferguson.
