Stuck Gate

There's a gate swinging back and forth. When is it open, when is it shut? I hate when it gets stuck, stops swinging. I fucking hate it. It's like that when the System is tired. We're emotional conjoined twins/triplets/whatever, and when we have energy we're balanced. The gate is swinging. We have time to check in. We have time to feel things. We all have time to "be" and with a swinging gate Rae and Sarah and Amanda and Prowler and L.A. all have a sense of what each other is going through - like the breeze created by a swinging gate and the breeze that keeps it swinging. Stress triggers a physical meltdown - fibromyalgia? And we get tired. The gate stops swinging because all the wind, all the air, all the energy is channeled to Rae so that "the System" can function. But it's not "the System" that is functioning, it's Rae. Imagine conjoined twins, sharing blood. If "one" of the twins starts getting most of the blood because that twin needs it to complete some kind of task, well, the other twin is going to get weak. But they share the fucking blood! So in the end, both twins are weak. That kind of system isn't going to work well if both don't get what they need, no matter how much more useful the one is. You can't starve a conjoined twin and expect the other to live.

So Rae gets depressed when the gate stops swinging and she has to do all the work. You'd think she's like it, but she doesn't. She doesn't because as she uses up all that energy to complete the tasks at hand, the rest of the System is dying. As the rest of the System dies, so does she. She knows how to behave, for fuck's sake, but without Sarah and Amanda and L.A. it's fake and thin and stupid and breathless. It's a hot, oppressive, summer day without air. Without the swinging gate, it's worthless.

If we can't un-stick the gate, life isn't worth living. I don't kill myself because who knows if the Buddhists are right with their reincarnation bull shit, or if the Catholics are right about suicides going to hell. I hope the fucking atheists are right, that after death there is nothing. If we can't un-stick the gate, it doesn't matter if I am seeking death to find relief or change or some such nonsense. If we can't, the System is dead. If the gate doesn't swing, it's pointless for Rae to smile and work, she'll suffocate anyway. Suffocation makes for desperation. Desperate people do desperate things. Suicide is an act of desperation. I'd roll those fucking dice and hope the atheists are right not because I want some kind of change. So fuck you for thinking that. I'd roll those fucking dice because I'm suffocating anyway, the System is dying. Slow, painful, suffocation, conjoined twins watching each other die, a stuck gate......it's worth speeding up the process and risk hell or reincarnation. It's worth it because the atheists might be right.