Weeds

Creeping Charlie is taking over my yard. I hate it. Luke hates the Dandelions and calls them Damndelions. I just read about 50 different ways to eradicate these weeds from the yard so that grass could grow. It doesn't seem like there is a clear answer for staunching the flow.....Likewise with my mental state. It's fraught with negative emotions, self-deprecating thoughts, and sparsely populated with the Kentucky Blue Grass of peace, acceptance, and calm. I can't find a quick fix herbicide that will kill off the Creeping Charlie. I don't mind the Damndelions, but I know they drive Luke bananas so I wouldn't mind killing them off too. But I'm chemical sensitive, so the herbicides that exist might cause more harm than good. I read about a more natural method, testing the soil and adding lime and organic fertilizer, re-seeding, and providing the nutrients and conditions that the healthy, desirable grasses need. Apparently the weeds will get choked out in the process. My shrink would probably appreciate this method most.

But he pissed off Sarah. Not uncommon these days, for Sarah to be pissed. It seems like everyone has pissed her off. She's in such a state of high arousal, hypervigilance, and danger-awareness that trust in just about everyone has diminished. The shrink used some phrases like "we all need Luke" and "leaving and staying in a hotel right now doesn't seem like a good solution." Add that to "Luke really worked hard in here" and the message Sarah got was this.....

"You can't take care of yourself so you have to depend on Luke to take care of you. He really is the normal one in the relationship, and you and your emotions and behaviors are bad and wrong, so you have to stay there in your home. You shouldn't feel as hurt and as angry as you do because you've done sooooo much more to hurt him and he's been so good about it, you owe it to him to stay and give him some space and try to meet his needs for a change." The feelings that accompany this message include a feeling of being trapped, ashamed, and afraid. Since these feelings are intolerable if they escape Sarah's room, they get transformed into rage should they be tapped. They are Creeping Charlie on steroids.

The System has discussed this, and there is some question (in varying degrees) as to the accuracy of the message Sarah got. But no one inside can quite explain it to her, and really, everyone kind of buys into the basic premise of the message anyway.  Fear and anger choke out the Blue Grass.

Luke and Rae are trapped in a cycle of triggering behaviors. For example, Luke was showing some of his carpentry work to Rae, and Rae, knowledgeable in the methods of stroking the male ego and crafty with words, praised the hard work and the preciseness of the job. She wondered about how to best finish the project so that it looked as polished on the outside as it was on the inside. Luke is notorious for creating a fantastic product, stable and functional, but rough around the edges. Rae excels at outer polish. It's actually an excellent combination. Luke heard this message...

"Your work sucks."

Rae wanted to discuss how to finish the project, and truly discuss it.... Luke stopped communicating. It was all subtle, of course, but Rae felt the wall almost immediately so Sarah took over and said "it's like talking to a brick wall" and walked away. Luke wanted to defend his communication process, but Rae said "you're angry and so am I. I don't want to talk about this." But no one disengaged. The System had the following feelings as Luke ping-ponged between his own feelings of defensiveness, hurt, anger, and fear....

-anger, fear, rage, hopelessness, shame, terror, defensiveness.....

I swear I wasn't mean. I was mad. I swear I didn't rage, but I was mad. I swear I said only things that were true, but I was mad. Luke said "I'm not talking about this with you." Then proceeded to share his feelings. When I responded (with a relatively appropriate response) he said "I'm not going to talk about this with you." So I left the room. He then struck up a conversation about WHY he didn't want to talk about it with me. So I pointed out how he was not disengaging. So then he tried to talk again. I knew what was going to happen.... no matter what I said, he would said it was wrong. No matter what feeling I shared, he would explain why I shouldn't feel that way. No matter where in the house I went, even my room, he would pace and huff and puff and stand in the doorway, and say repeatedly "I'm here for you if you need me." The pressure would be on, non-stop, and there would be no escape. And the Shrink's words echoed in our head "leaving is not a good idea. You need him." I felt like a tiny piece of Kentucky Blue Grass, surrounded by acres and acres of Creeping Charlie, and thistle. Huge, pokey, dangerous thistle.

I KNOW I'm off balance, I KNOW I have emotional problems....but I resent feeling like the whole world acknowledges Luke's stability and functionality and niceness and wonderfulness while I am perceived as a bitch, a life-sucking wacko, a psychiatric train wreck, and a non-contributing member of the marriage. I sense the world wondering why HE is putting up with ME.

Such feelings and thoughts make suicide such a reasonable option. Only if I kill myself, Luke will have to change his lifestyle dramatically. My income keeps us living a relatively decent life financially. There is no way he could afford to live like we do on his income. I know that is a dumb thing to even bring up, but I DO contribute. I work my ass off every day to keep my job to keep us financially secure.

No one eradicates Creeping Charlie. Careful, methodical, annual maintenance will keep it under control, but it's never gone. Personally, I think Dandelions are pretty. Herbicides could kill the rose bushes, the peonies, the lilies... it could seep into the ground and poison our well. What's the point? What's the point of working so damn hard to control a fucking weed that will never go away? How can a tiny little blade of grass survive the weeds, the thistle, the herbicides, the re-seeding? What if the Shrink wants to get rid of the little blade of grass, too? Can a few dandelions stick around, despite the fact Luke hates them? What if both Luke and the Shrink just want to plow it all under? I feel like I'm being plowed under. I don't know who is plowing. Everyone is plowing. I'm even plowing. The world is plowing. I should be eradicated.