Detached (?) Observation

I don't know how to explain "crazy." I imagine it's a very individual experience, personal. I can tell you sort of what it's like. It's like every television in the world turned up to maximum volume inside your head, all with different shows and most of them horror shows. It's knowing you are in grave danger, but not knowing where the danger will come from or what kind of danger it will be - but you know in your heart there is danger and it's terrible and it's imminent. You know because you've been there before, the memory of it is just behind a cloud, and it felt exactly like now. It's a thunderstorm in your head - with lightening bolts crashing through your brain and you think you will certainly die this time but you don't, you hear the thunder and seconds later the lightening flashes again burning grey matter and it's a miracle you don't die from it, because it seems so unbearable. Crazy is emotional torture. It's grief/terror that tells your brain you will never recuperate and your soul believes it. I've heard that people can pass out from extreme physical pain. Crazy is so emotionally painful I pass out from it - dissociation. I had 3 good days recently - I only felt depressed some of the time and the rest of the day was relative contentment with maybe 2 pockets of happiness. On the evening of the third night I felt a migraine coming on - intense pressure screaming at the insides of my eyes and waves of nausea. I remember thinking that I would take a migraine any day rather than the same amount of time spent in crazy. Any time. In fact, being physically sick or hurt is laughable compared to crazy. I have felt some pain - a broken arm, surgery, migraines, child birth... the child birth was pretty painful and minimally comparable to crazy. Imagine painful child birth for months. That's what crazy feels like emotionally. I seriously don't know how I can take it, except that I know I actually can't hence the dissociation. What really fucks with me is that sometimes I'm in crazy and I KNOW the feelings are not based in reality. Sometimes I can literally scream at myself above the noise and my soul hears me and simultaneously I know I am in danger and I know I am safe. No amount of screaming at myself when I'm in crazy can turn down the television noise, end the thunderstorm, or birth the child. I am terrified of my own crazy, and I have explained it here in sensory terms. Crazy is partially sensory, but it is more how you would FEEL if these things were actually happening to you and you knew it. It doesn't physically feel like millions of televisions screaming in your head, crazy emotionally feels how you might feel if you had millions of televisions screaming in your head. Wouldn't you be scared? Confused? Disoriented? Imagine how you would emotionally feel if suddenly there was a thunderstorm in your brain, and you could hear and see the lightening blast your grey matter. How would you feel? Terrified? That's how crazy feels - like the most horrible, terrifying event you can imagine is actually happening, but you know it isn't, but your soul believes it is and your body and brain respond electrically and chemically to that knowledge and you FEEL like you would if it WAS happening because you BELIEVE it is, while KNOWING it isn't. And there's no way to stop it. And it lasts for months so that you forget you were ever happy. You forget how good spaghetti is. You forget how to sing along to the radio. You get so lost in crazy, you tell yourself to feel the warmth of the sun on your face because you know you love the feel of the sun on your face but you can't enjoy anything because the terror/grief is so awesome it eclipses every bit of possibility of actually feeling the sun on your face let alone enjoying it. I challenge you to try to enjoy the sun on your face the next time you have a million screaming horror shows playing in your mind at top volume and lightening scorching your brain.