Sarah's Take - Dissociative Identity Disorder Unplugged

Middle of the day, exhaustion sweeps over me, nap time. Close my eyes, think and feel at the same time, tears. I realized I am in the midst of a great depression, trying to wait it out like a swimmer in a riptide might tread water as they get sucked out to sea. I quit swimming for shore. I'd like to quit treading water but I can float in a salt free lake for as of yet undetermined amount of time so even if I quit randomly moving my legs and arms I'd still be breathing. The ocean is buoyant.

Perhaps I'll realize someday I'm sinking, just like today I realized I'm depressed. Perhaps someday I'll suck in some air and find my lungs filled with stinging sea water. I know what will happen, people don't just drown. They fight. They kick and they flail and they get themselves to the surface with every last ounce of energy they can possibly summon. I am a natural swimmer, and I can seriously float. Once, in South Carolina, I went out to the hotel pool and floated. Wendy came out to have a smoke and thought I had drowned, until she saw me breathing. She watched until she got bored, and I floated until I got bored. I think I fell asleep. Sinking isn't an option.

The thought is depressing.

I suppose this is why I drank. I still don't understand why I'm not drinking now. Alcohol is a nice lead weight tied to my soul and it would pull me down, down, down and I have no desire to use it. Buoyancy. Big, pint size screwdrivers, half vodka and half orange juice used to go down so easy. Right now, the thought of one is appealing but I lack the energy and the motivation to go get the damn vodka. It all sounds rather acidic, as well, and I think I would substitute 7-up for the orange juice. *body involuntarily remembers puking vodka screwdrivers*

I have a house full of pills, a garage full of guns, all locked up. Buoyancy.
I have friends and family to call, to hold me, to tell me they love me. Buoyancy.
I have doctors - a psychologist, a psychiatrist, a pulmonologist, a gp, a cardiologist - all of whom will do their utmost to better my health. Buoyancy.
I have a job I love to go back to, if only to burn out on and leave, but there it sits and waits. Buoyancy.
I have chihuahuas. Buoyancy.
I have a retirement plan, insurance, a savings, an IRA, a stellar credit score. Buoyancy.

I can't sink and all I want to do is sink because I am so tired of treading water. But even when I stop treading I float. It literally hurts my heart to breathe .... physically because my heart hurts and emotionally because my heart hurts. Yet breathe I do, and another, and another. Buoyancy. This is, no doubt and all irony, Hell.