I am cozy in my bed, Christmas lights twinkling, music....tears. They are neither tears of sadness nor are they tears of joy. These are tears of fire.
When someone has a "fire in their eyes" they are passionate about something - feelings are deep and strong and connected to their thoughts and beliefs so that they result in a visible soul as seen through the eyes. I am reminded of a story I heard, Hindu, maybe? A god was lonely, so she took the one large flame that was her soul and scattered it into many little fires on earth, which became living beings. I love that story.
My tears of fire are about life. I know that sometimes my feelings of deep emptiness and the beliefs that ride their shirttails subside into strong feelings of joy and appreciation and connection to the people I love. Those feelings of joy likewise subside and I am left empty. It is because of the emptiness that I recognize the joy. It is because of the joy that I recognize the emptiness. Without each, I might not know. Today I have a rare moment of both emptiness and joy - and I believe this is the fullness of life I am feeling. It's as if some kernel of fire deep within remembers the fullness of being one flame, and the emptiness of being only one.
This Christmas will be full of joy and empty. I can tell. There is a stronger than ever undercurrent of love in my family that resulted from the death of my nephew. It's as if the extinguishing of a flame has caused us to burn more intensely. Is fire like that? As we open presents, eat, and laugh together we will be so connected to each other, feeling the life we have so joyfully, life and love burning more intensely because we so recently felt the sorrow of death.
We've all lost fathers and mothers, Siblings, Children. The emptiness of loss and the sorrow in our tears can be remembered in our fullness of this Christmas celebration and the Joy we have. Our laughter and our love doesn't negate the sorrow or cheapen it. Our joy makes it possible to feel the emptiness and sorrow just as our sorrow makes it possible to feel the joy.
I miss you, nephew and dad.
Who do you miss?
Sarah's Take - Dissociative Identity Disorder Unplugged: A true and raw telling of the thoughts, musings, meanderings of a woman with a Dissociative Disorder, Sarah's Take takes readers on a little ride through what most people can't really imagine.
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