My room, my sauna, my body, my soul.....I strive to create boundaries and protect them, an effort to feel safe. I was angry the other night, rageful, and stood in my living room screaming at Luke for entering my room without permission - a space I hold sacred and 'permission' an attempt to create a boundary. This error of his the last in a night full of errors and exhaustion. This night the last in a month of stress related to the appearance of a family member moving in, who happens to look/act/smell like the man who defiled me as a toddler. This month the last in years of searching for safety. This rage the result.
I begged myself to stop raging. I asked why I was raging. I answered "I'm in danger, and there is no where to run to so I fight." I asked myself where the danger was. "Him." But we knew he wasn't dangerous. But my feelings told me he was. So I froze and cried and screamed.
I have progressed now, and I didn't pee my pants.
I forced myself to take a sauna last weekend and it was difficult - the family member/rapist look-alike had used that space. We tried to reason with each other inside the sauna but L.A. was terrified and no amount of reason would calm her. Our sauna, now devoid of the family member/rapist look-alike, he has moved out, can be ours once again. But since he used the sauna space I can barely make myself go into that space. This doesn't even make sense to me. I KNOW he has left. I KNOW he isn't the rapist. I KNOW I am safe....but even just saying this has caused my heart to beat faster and my head to hurt because I am not actually sure it is true though I cannot find a logical reason why it wouldn't be true.
It's like I don't have a concept of where my body ends and the physical space around me begins.....
Sarah's Take - Dissociative Identity Disorder Unplugged: A true and raw telling of the thoughts, musings, meanderings of a woman with a Dissociative Disorder, Sarah's Take takes readers on a little ride through what most people can't really imagine.
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