Integration

I don't know how I feel about today. In the back of my mind since finishing "Switching Time" I've been thinking about what INTEGRATION means to me.... does it mean all of us becoming ONE???? I sat in the car and thought about the collage I made, with all of us by the waterfall (except Rae - she was off in the darkness drowning.) I really focused on that collage, and there was Sarah, thinking about the collage as "I" was thinking about the collage. And then I looked out the window at the trees and the grass and the homes we were passing, and there was Sarah looking at the trees and the grass and the homes. We've had what I believe is co-consciousness before, but this time it was really intense. It was really "co." So I think about "integration" and how that maybe is taking co-consciousness a step farther, where there is not a "co" but rather the lines between the parts are erased and there is only a consciousness, and instead of two there is one. I know that sounds simple and anyone could understand those words, hell, I understand those words. Logically. Emotionally and in a very real sense it baffles me. I understand, but I don't "know." That's the essence of this whole DID thing, I guess. There are many many things I understand. Logically. But the emotional "knowing" is kept separate and so I don't have that full knowledge of things. That's why I feel like I don't really LIVE sometimes, like my life is only a shadow on this planet. I wonder if INTEGRATION would make me feel alive????