Violence

Spent hours yesterday on the floor, cutting and pasting. You'd think I was 12 and not 43....oh wait! I AM 12 sometimes! (DID humor.)

I was making a collage. It was emotionally exhausting, and I don't like how it looks, but the message is a clearer message than I expected. One side is chaos and violent, the other side is a serene room with a window looking out on a waterfall. That's my room inside. I cut out words that say "Which side would you rather be on?" And then there's a little note to Craig off to the side, written on notebook paper with a gold frame around it. The note says "If I create the violence, I control the violence." Makes me think of how my mind goes so naturally to cutting off my arm. Somehow that statement is connected to that particular violent act. It's about control and it's about cutting off the violence that I perceive in the rest of the world. I've heard before from people close to me that "It's not happening anymore," and I know intellectually that it's not, that I'm pretty safe in the world today. But it doesn't FEEL like it....it still feels like the world is a raging dangerous place. And my job is to keep us "cut off" from that violence. If I create the violence, I control the violence.