Sarah's Take - Dissociative Identity Disorder Unplugged: A true and raw telling of the thoughts, musings, meanderings of a woman with a Dissociative Disorder, Sarah's Take takes readers on a little ride through what most people can't really imagine.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Shutting the door on rage
As Craig tonight expressed his belief that cutting my arm off or doing any serious self harm like that would not provide the "escape" or whatever outcome I'm seeking, I could literally see a door close in front of me. I began to rage inside, and R. smirked. Craig was saying something about how he believed I had important things to say and that we should focus on what cutting my arm off MEANS, and that I can SAY what I have to SAY in a safe way. All I wanted to do was scream "FUCK YOU" at him, tell him to stop patronizing me, but R. held my lips closed. So I screamed and kicked at the door. I am reminded of when I used to hold my suicide plans near and dear to my heart - they are what got me through the day. I no longer perseverate on suicide, but I still hold arm removal near and dear to my heart...gets me through the day. Shutting the door on that makes me ANGRY.
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At least when the door is closed, the draught doesn't come in.
ReplyDeleteWhat do you want to say in a safe way?
I'm not sure what I want to say. I'm afraid to try to figure it out. If the symbolic expression of what I want to say is cutting my arm off, then it can't be very "sunshine and light." Craig is so very very sure that I can express myself without the self-destruction, I guess I want to try to figure it out. I don't know how. I think to begin with I am going to the waterfall where "we" all meet and discuss with everyone the possibility of being open and quiet at the same time- kind of like opening up the channels of communication. We shall see what surfaces. BTW the wave of anger has subsided. I'm ready to be quiet and listen.
ReplyDeletehey there, just found this blog from Donna Williams' blog. Very interesting so far. I am one of three active personalities sharing a female body. I'm the only male.
ReplyDeletePerhaps cutting your arm of is a metaphor.....something else that your arm represents or makes you think of or symbolises.....that you want to cut off and not your actual physical arm. If you figure out what your arm represents in a metaphoric sense.....what it is you want to and can safely cut off.....its better than having one less arm and then realising "Oh man I really needed that"
Just my thoughts. Check out our blog if you want
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Ivan,
ReplyDeleteWhere is your blog? I'd like to check it out.